Today we went to the grand opening of the first Zuriick store ever, here in Salt Lake. There was free food and drink and shoes on sale. 

And also a photo booth.

Hmmm

I haven't been putting aside enough time to make art. None, actually. Zero time all summer.
So now is the time to change that.

Maybe tomorrow actually.

I did put some up on my walls though.
Seeing old art is what inspires me the most, because I realize that I can do better. That and anything Native American or psychedelic.

My favorite colors are seafoam green and mustard yellow. Two of my favorites I should say.

See if you can spot me.

Out of hiding.

As a kid I played with Barbies. My favorite artists were Destiny’s Child, Britney Spears, and Jennifer Lopez. The vast majority of my friends were girls. I hated all sports. 

So what right?

Once I started not being a kid anymore, and things started happening in my body, I started to have thoughts that I never had before, like every kid does at this age, except mine were different from all of the boys I knew. I ignored these thoughts that would go through my head, again and again throughout the day. Things would come into my brain and I would have to concentrate so hard to force them out. I hated myself for appreciating male beauty just as much as female. I wondered why I could never feel any attraction towards girls, no matter how hard I tried. This continued on for years. By 15, I still felt faulty; like there was something wrong with me. I wasn’t ready to face it yet.

That summer I moved to New York City, and I was suddenly surrounded by some of the most liberal people in the world. The things that I had always grown up telling myself were wrong, suddenly seemed very normal, and natural. In a new place where acceptance was passed around so freely, I was finally comfortable to truly explore my feelings. In a society that would not look down on me for being myself, no matter what that meant, I felt truly free for the first time in my life. I had finally accepted myself, and stopped pushing my true feelings away. It was an amazing feeling, like finally waking up, and realizing you could actually be happy being your true self. 

I was still young though, and I wanted to have fun and live life. I was facing some difficulties and going through some depression. I was experimenting with all of these new ways of thinking, which I needed, in order to be able to grow and get to know myself. I was free, but not really happy, or satisfied. 

Eventually I was able to get away from the different things that were bringing me down; school, people, negative influences. And with a clear brain I realized exactly what I wanted in my life. I found the answer to all of my years of self-hate; to all of the emptiness that I had felt. I realized that at such a young age, I had fallen in love. And surprise... it was a boy.

So my dear loved ones, I am gay. I always have been and I always will be. 

And I’m finally ready to be 100% open about it.


I didn't make a choice to be gay, no one can pick and choose who their heart will love. But I am making the choice to accept what I have felt since I was born. I didn't live my whole life encouraging this fact about myself to come about; just the opposite, I fought it. All that I am doing now is having the courage to accept it, and no longer live my life as a lie.

Last Summer

I traveled to some amazing places, met some amazing people, and learned some valuable things. But home was where my heart was.

“Look at you. You’re young. And you’re scared. Why are you so scared? Stop being paralyzed. Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring what other people think. Wear what you want. Say what you want. Listen to the music you want to listen to. Play it loud as fuck and dance to it. Go out for a drive at midnight and forget that you have school the next day. Stop waiting for Friday. Live now. Do it now. Take risks. Tell secrets. This life is yours. When are you going to realize that you can do whatever you want?”


-www.goodmorningandgoodnight.com

Thoughts

I know that by posting things on this blog I'm just putting them out there into cyber space, for anyone to find and read. Not that I want the world to know every detail that's going on in my life, but I do it because it gets my thoughts out there. I have so many things that go on in my brain, and I don't often have anyone to share these thoughts with. So, I guess the purpose of me posting on this blog is to talk to that person that doesn't exist. To get my thoughts out there, so that I can see them, in front of me. Maybe I hope that by sharing my thoughts, someone might read them, and get to know me a little bit better, and want to be that person that I can talk to. Maybe.
I sometimes wonder what is too personal to put on here, which thoughts I may regret sharing, if sharing something could jeopardize someone else in some way.
I want to live my life, though, as an open book. If I don't have anything to be ashamed of, why not?

I feel very alone now. I don't think I've ever felt such a lonely feeling, other than when I was little and would get that home-sick panic for a while, until I was calmed down. But what's different about this, is that I don't have anything to calm me down. I think of the things that I could do to distract me, I really do consider them, but when it comes down to it, I can't bring myself to do anything. I don't want to face people in a state of depression, and have them question what's going on with me. I would, though, if someone asked me to. I would appreciate it more than they would probably know.
When I try to distract myself, it makes me feel like I am moving on, like I am abandoning the cause, like I'm a traitor. But then there I sit, trapped inside my brain, turning things over and over and over again, wishing I could have done things differently, wishing I would have snapped out of it earlier.

At the end of the day there is only one person I want to see. Without this one person in my life, it feels like I cannot feel real happiness. I never thought I would depend on someone in that way, but it's true.

www.theselby.com