Monday, May 2, 2011


I know that by posting things on this blog I'm just putting them out there into cyber space, for anyone to find and read. Not that I want the world to know every detail that's going on in my life, but I do it because it gets my thoughts out there. I have so many things that go on in my brain, and I don't often have anyone to share these thoughts with. So, I guess the purpose of me posting on this blog is to talk to that person that doesn't exist. To get my thoughts out there, so that I can see them, in front of me. Maybe I hope that by sharing my thoughts, someone might read them, and get to know me a little bit better, and want to be that person that I can talk to. Maybe.
I sometimes wonder what is too personal to put on here, which thoughts I may regret sharing, if sharing something could jeopardize someone else in some way.
I want to live my life, though, as an open book. If I don't have anything to be ashamed of, why not?

I feel very alone now. I don't think I've ever felt such a lonely feeling, other than when I was little and would get that home-sick panic for a while, until I was calmed down. But what's different about this, is that I don't have anything to calm me down. I think of the things that I could do to distract me, I really do consider them, but when it comes down to it, I can't bring myself to do anything. I don't want to face people in a state of depression, and have them question what's going on with me. I would, though, if someone asked me to. I would appreciate it more than they would probably know.
When I try to distract myself, it makes me feel like I am moving on, like I am abandoning the cause, like I'm a traitor. But then there I sit, trapped inside my brain, turning things over and over and over again, wishing I could have done things differently, wishing I would have snapped out of it earlier.

At the end of the day there is only one person I want to see. Without this one person in my life, it feels like I cannot feel real happiness. I never thought I would depend on someone in that way, but it's true.


  1. If you copied these words and put them into a scanner, a picture of my mind would come out. I feel exactly like this all the time.

    Especially concerning the last paragraph.

  2. All of your thoughts are really beautiful, Soren. I really enjoy reading your blog because you are so honest. Especially in a culture where things are often hidden, it's nice to get a breath of fresh air, and that's what your words are. Things like depression are too common and too often buried in a hole, but you've uncovered them and are exposing them to the world. I salute you. You've allowed me to feel normal for once.

  3. I wish to know you more Soren. I have watched you and the other 2nd and 3rd cousins from afar thanks to the internet and Christmas letters, you and Makayla especially. The both of you are so dynamic and beautiful. Your words moved me, Gemma said what I felt, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I look forward to more...